Kids are born with everything they need to grow into confident, self-assured, well-rounded adults…. yet self-esteem is gravely lacking in our culture. Why? Because we teach kids to ignore everything they are naturally born with.
We teach them to seek approval rather than to self advocate. We teach them that their needs are less important than others. We teach them to compromise their own feelings. And worst of all, we teach them to self loathe by the examples we set.
We should not be teaching kids to get validation for their self-worth from a gold star sticker. They are good and worthy just because they exist, yet we teach them that their only worth is when the parents or teachers are pleased with them.
Then, we teach them to “share” their toys, and “be fair,” which is completely contrary to real life. Yes, we want to teach kids generosity and compassion, but not at the expense of their own feelings or happiness. You don’t share your house, car, or shiny new tractor with people, so don’t expect your child to share their favorite toy either. If it’s special, they may not want to share it. Teach them instead to share their time with others because THEY are what’s special… not the toy.
Things are not always “fair” in life, they aren’t supposed to be. Teaching kids to be “fair” is actually only training them to be “entitled!” Entitled kids grow up to think they deserve things, and that they shouldn’t have to work for what they have. They end up living in your basement when they are 30 with nothing but a million excuses as to why “life isn’t fair” and is holding them back!
And finally, we teach kids to self loathe because that is what we mirror for them. Kids are completely in love with themselves when they are small. They love to see themselves in mirrors, they make silly faces at themselves, they smile, laugh, and dance without a care in the world. They don’t care who is watching, nor do they care what anyone thinks. Until they see Mom or Dad become embarrassed, or Mom and Dad tells them to “stop because everyone is watching.” Or the child stands and watches Mom poke her own fat in the mirror and talk about how disgusting she is. Or the child hears Dad say “Keep your voice down, I don’t want anyone to think we are losers.” There are millions of examples of how we teach our kids to dim their own light. The best thing we can do to counteract this is to model better behavior. Kids will hate or love themselves, just as much as we do! Do them a favor and love yourself, respect yourself, hold yourself in much higher esteem!
Our society, in general doesn’t promote self-esteem. Isn’t it time for a change? Especially since we are already born with esteem and we go out of our way to wreck it! Let’s stop doing that! Let’s start to raise the standard of confidence, worth, respect, altruism, and self-esteem in our society! Let’s start by not removing these inherent traits in our young people. Let’s model good behavior, raise the standard, and Live Inspired Now!
Learn to raise healthy, happy, well adjusted kids who lead and succeed!! Join the Live Inspired Now Coach Training here!!
Heather Paris inspires people all over the world to create happier lives through talks, workshops, blog posts, and her book, Live Inspired Now; A Field Guide For Happiness. For more information about transforming your relationship, family, or your life, contact Heather today!
“Hey Heather,
I am a hot mess! I am separated from my 3rd husband and ready to move on. I am tired of moving on with the wrong people. I find myself with people just for the ‘comfort’ but they are unhealthy, and I know they are not for me. In relationships, I feel like I am often either the doormat or a major bitch! I don’t want to get hurt again, but I also don’t want to hurt another person. I am just starting to enjoy being alone for the first time since I was a teenager. Is this normal? I’m too old to keep making dead-end mistakes that leave me heartbroken. Any advice or suggestions?” -Hot Mess
Dear Hot Mess,
Welcome to the “hot mess club!” It’s actually a really beneficial place to be because now you have learned all the lessons, and gone through the hard part!! Time to move past the hurt and start to really experience all the love, joy, and happiness that life has to offer!! You can start this journey by doing some “self-awareness” work. Time to ditch the people who are holding you back or hurting you in any way! YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY! Sounds like you have already started to create some boundaries with the unhealthy people in your life, good job! Feel free to delete, block, or ignore the rest of them! I went through this too. I had to “upgrade” the people I let be in my life. Self empowerment: just do it! Do things that might be a little scary but will get you out of that “comfort” that you mentioned. Comfort is for couches, not personal growth! Get out there and start meeting new people, trying new things, and take courses that will teach you more about yourself. You have been a mom and a wife for so long that you forgot that you are also a woman with your own dreams too! It is time to start doing things that YOU LOVE, that will excite you and help you remember to laugh and be happy! Sounds like you are a very strong lady, let that strength continue to help you grow and learn so you can go out and grab life by the balls! I was a hot mess for a while too! I was married 3 times before I met my current husband. I did it. So can you!!!! You just have to be willing to take a few steps to improve your life!
Here are a few small steps:
Read self-help books (I hope you will start with mine, you will like the stories! Live Inspired Now: A Field Guide For Happiness)
Put notes all over your house with positive messages on them!
Ditch, delete, and disregard Debbie Downers, then DISCOVER new, more positive people! (maybe look for a positive meetup group in your area at meetup.com )
Exercise a little each day…. even if it’s just a short walk.
Crank up some fun music and dance, sway, or move in some way….. smile, laugh, and enjoy it!
Put on some comedy! Do whatever makes you laugh!
Spend a few minutes each day in gratitude for all that you are. You woke up today…. that alone is enough to be grateful for!
Turn off the news. There will always be bad in the world, but there will also be good. Focus on the GOOD!
Just try these few things and notice how your life turns around! Life is what WE make it… so go make your life awesome! Instead of a “hot mess” just be hot…. red-hot, on fire for life! Your life, your rules my dear! Live Inspired NOW!!!
Heather Paris inspires people all over the world to create happier lives through talks, workshops, blog posts, and her book, Live Inspired Now; A Field Guide For Happiness. For more information about transforming your relationship, family, or your life, contact Heather today!
Starting today, I am going to be posting a column called “Hey Heather!” Please feel free to email your questions to me directly at heather@liveinspirednow.com. I will answer as many as I can and post the very best questions here on the blog, probably once per week. I look forward to helping you by offering my advice! Don’t wait, send your questions now! 🙂 Thank you to “Confused Man With No Kids” for the very first “Hey Heather” question!
“Hey Heather-
Why does my friend’s 19 year old daughter always voice her entire life on facebook?
-Confused Man With No Kids”
Dear Confused-
The short answer: Because she’s 19 and likes attention, and wants to be sure that her feelings are valid.
The long answer: Kids (and some adults) today tend to post so much of their personal drama on facebook because they are seeking validation. Let me give you some examples of posts, and tell you what they really mean!
“I wish this didn’t make me so mad.” = Please ask me why I am so mad, then tell me I have every right to be mad.
“I don’t typically post things like this, but I am going to now……” = I need validation for what I am feeling, and I do NOT want to be called out for posting my business on facebook.
“Looks like I don’t really have any friends.” = My friends all have something cool to do and I feel left out, so I will try to make them feel bad for me so they will feel guilty and will not exclude me again.
“I can’t believe you would post that! I am so offended!” = I think that all things should align with my own ideas and beliefs, and I need you to know that you are wrong and should change immediately.
“I’m in the hospital!” = My real friends will frantically start to message me to see if I am OK. Not only will I feel loved, but this will show me who really cares about me.
Everyone wants to feel validated sometimes. We all (yes, even me) have been guilty of posting something that was purely intended to get attention, or even to passive-aggressively hurt someone. In general, people use more indirect communication, rather than just coming out and saying what they really feel. They feel compelled to make sure someone “cares” enough to comment, or like their post. The problem with this is that we have a culture of young people who don’t feel worthy unless someone has validated them with a “like, a comment, or a share.”
Young people, especially, should be learning self-worth, self-esteem, and self-awareness. They shouldn’t measure their self-worth based on social media acceptance! I believe that we as parents/adults, have a duty to teach our young people to value themselves, to self advocate, and to use their authentic voice no matter who “likes” it! We need to teach them to speak clearly, and directly, and ask for what they need! Of course that would require US, to start doing it too!
So next time you are tempted to post “OMG, my life is pathetic,” just consider phoning a friend (or life coach) instead! Remember, the kids are reading and learning from us. Let’s teach them how to get their needs met by just speaking up, self advocating, and saving the drama for “yo mama!”
Sincerely,
Heather Paris
Heather Paris inspires people all over the world to create happier lives through talks, workshops, blog posts, and her book, Live Inspired Now; A Field Guide For Happiness. For more information about transforming your relationship, family, or your life, contact Heather today!
It is not the responsibility of other people to make you feel important. Let other people off the hook and feel good about yourself!
The world is not out to get you, but it is also not out to raise you up. That is solely your responsibility. Too many people are lacking in self esteem and look for external validation to make them feel good, and this is simply not realistic or healthy. In life, we must be our own best advocates, and learn to empower ourselves. It is nice to have support and encouragement, but depending upon the praise of others to keep moving forward, or to feel good about ourselves will always leave us feeling inadequate.
Learn to really love yourself. You can do this be learning and growing through personal development or even by hiring a coach who can help you change your belief system about who you are. Take control of your thoughts too. So much of our own struggle is because of dis-empowering thoughts that are focused on past hurts, or failures. Stay focused on the present moment and don’t let the past interfere with your future.
Start to trust yourself because you are still here! We have all had challenges and up to now, you have gotten through them all. Allow that experience to prove to yourself that you can, and have, handled things! Maybe not the way you have wanted to, but that is OK too because it means you have learned.
You are equipt with all you need to create the life you love. Decide to be happy and find the positive in each situation. Disappointment is part of life, but it doesn’t mean that life isn’t good. Just as there are disappointments, there are also magic moments, excitement, and love to be shared. Focus on what you are grateful for and put disappointments behind you as fast as possible.
Take responsibility for your own self image, and self esteem, set a higher standard for your life, and Live Inspired Now!
Heather Paris inspires people all over the world to create happier lives through talks, workshops, blog posts, and her book, Live Inspired Now; A Field Guide For Happiness. For more information about transforming your relationship, family, or your life, contact Heather today!
Yesterday I decided to enjoy my favorite drink, a chai latte, at my local Barnes and Noble bookstore. I knew that my book was there in the store and I thought it might be fun to get a picture of myself with the book while I was there. I wanted to ask an employee to take the picture for me but I couldn’t find one so I bravely asked a stranger. Yes, believe it or not, I am actually a little shy! Ask me to get up on stage in front of a crowded room; sure no problem! Ask me to approach a stranger in the bookstore and ask him to take my picture; totally out of my comfort zone!
I politely approached two men who were near my book and asked if they would kindly take my picture. The man in this picture, Daniel, was more than happy to take the picture for me. We talked about the book, he showed me a picture of his beautiful daughter, and then he purchased my book…. the last one on the shelf! He asked me to autograph it for him which I did, and I left the store feeling really awesome! I felt like a celebrity and it felt great! I was also thrilled that the store had sold out of my book! Later that day, a friend of mine went to the same store and she said they had put out more copies!
People often think I am so outgoing, and not afraid of anything. That is completely inaccurate. I am often very shy; I am an introvert and I am afraid of many things. I just spend a great deal of time OUTSIDE of my comfort zone. I never let fear prevent me from doing something and I practice being more extroverted. I know that the most exceptional things happen when I am challenged, so I don’t run from things. I just figure out how to make them work and I keep trying until it works. My book, my marriage, my kids, my work, and my life are all reflections of this attitude! Step outside of your comfort zone and create some exceptional things in your life and Live Inspired Now!
Heather Paris inspires people all over the world to create happier lives through talks, workshops, blog posts, and her book, Live Inspired Now; A Field Guide For Happiness. For more information about transforming your relationship, family, or your life, contact Heather today!
