Having the ability to understand and share the feelings of another is NOT always a good thing.
When I was married to my first husband Donnie, who was (and still is) an alcoholic and drug abuser, I had a serious case of empathy bias…. showing favor for those who are suffering.
Donnie was actually a really kind person but to cope with a horrible childhood, he turned to drugs and alcohol to alleviate his pain at a very young age.
During our brief marriage, I could feel his pain and it was soul crushing. I wanted to alleviate his suffering, so I did whatever I could to try and make things better….
- I downplayed his drinking
- I denied his drug abuse completely
- I didn’t reach out for help
- I’d constantly clean up the messes he made with his friends and family
- I took responsibility for his bad behavior and mistakes
…. and it only got worse.
Empathy is a beautiful quality until it turns into codependency. Then it hurts both people.
Codependency is when you rely on other people for your own identity so you enable their poor choices, bad behavior and addictions.
I was codependent on Donnie because my identity was reliant upon him getting clean and sober. I lived only to make sure he was OK, and that our marriage appeared successful.
Now, after almost 30 years, 3 kids, education, therapy, and training…. I truly am grateful for my experiences because I get to help so many people in a formal way without losing myself to an unhealthy relationship!
Do you have empathy bias? Is your big heart and desire to help turning into a codependent situation?
Contact me and let’s talk.
You CAN break free from the codependent merry-go-round and find true happiness that isn’t reliant on other people….. and life is exquisite when you can enjoy it fully without bearing the weight of the world.
Contact me and let’s set up a free consultation call.
I look forward to hearing from you!
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With love, gratitude, and inspiration,
Heather Paris
607-269-7815
www.liveinspirednow.com
Email me: heather@liveinspirednow.com
Follow me on YouTube, Instagram (@heatherparis) and Facebook!
Heather Paris inspires people all over the world to create happier lives through talks, workshops, blog posts, and her book, Live Inspired Now; A Field Guide For Happiness. For more information about transforming your relationship, family, or your life, contact Heather today!
Looking for something fun to do with your spouse, kids, or friends? Have a rock painting party!
Go on a long hike, gather rocks, bring them home and paint them with fun colors and inspirational words or sayings!
Then…. go leave them where people will discover them!
It brings such a smile to faces when they find a little rock treasure on their route!
You can’t imagine the fun you’ll have painting rocks. Personally, I find it very meditative and may be doing a “rock a day” as part of my “wake up and shake up” routine!
Try it! Send pix! And be sure to use the hashtags: #inspirationrocks or #liveinspirednow
With love, gratitude, and inspiration,
Heather Paris
www.liveinspirednow.com
Check out my book Live Inspired Now; A Field Guide For Happiness which includes all of my best advice for parenting, and navigating the chaos of life!
Heather Paris inspires people all over the world to create happier lives through talks, workshops, blog posts, and her book, Live Inspired Now; A Field Guide For Happiness. For more information about transforming your relationship, family, or your life, contact Heather today!
I know this goes against what most people say, but I don’t believe in forgiving everyone!
Some things shouldn’t be forgiven because if you do, you run the risk of softening your convictions.
Convictions are fuel for purpose and help you take action that could make positive change in the world!
Forgive a child molester, rapist, or murderer? No freakin way!
I don’t want to soften how I feel about people who pose real and actual danger to myself or other people!
You don’t owe forgiveness to anyone but yourself!
In fact, it’s not YOUR responsibility to forgive anyone BUT yourself.
I have found that most people are more upset with themselves than with the person who hurt them. They blame themselves for not “saying no,” for “not being strong enough to fight,” and even for “being stupid enough to fall for the lies.”
The real forgiveness is only owed to yourself! Stop beating yourself up for being a victim! The most empowering thing you can do is to forgive yourself and find ways to not be the victim again!
The other person can work on his or her own forgiveness.
I would encourage you to understand instead of forgiving. So maybe you understand that the person who hurt you was abused as a child and learned to hurt others. It’s not an excuse, and no forgiveness is needed, but you understand that “hurt people hurt people.”
Forgiveness is a deeply personal act of sacrifice because you are agreeing to override your feelings to give absolution to another. This is something that should be honored and reserved for people who are truly sorry, have made amends, and will not repeat what they have done.
Everyone else can have compassion because you are able to understand how they became so damaged, but not forgiven.
What do you think about today’s post? Hit reply to this email and let me know!
With love, gratitude, and inspiration,
Heather Paris
Heather Paris inspires people all over the world to create happier lives through talks, workshops, blog posts, and her book, Live Inspired Now; A Field Guide For Happiness. For more information about transforming your relationship, family, or your life, contact Heather today!