Lately I have read a lot of posts in which people are complaining about their “ass of an ex,” partner who is “not stepping up as a parent” or “cancelling out on visitation” or “who is still drinking.” BLAH BLAH BLAH!!! I just want to take a moment to mention that while your “EX” may very well be an “ass,” that makes you an “ass picker!”
Isn’t it time we step up and take some personal responsibility for picking the “ass?” I certainly made the wrong choices in my past, and I used to blame my “EX”, too. However, in time, I came to learn that taking personal responsibility for the people I let into my life is far more empowering than assuming the role of a victim. Once I accepted that I MADE BAD CHOICES, then and only then, did I have enough awareness to start making better choices for myself. Sure, I could blame my ex-husband for being an alcoholic, or I could take responsibility for the fact that I thought I could “fix” him, and married him with that intention. I beat myself up for years for making dumb decisions, but that didn’t do me any favors either! It wasn’t until I put on my big girl pants, did some personal development through learning, reading, and letting go that I realized I CREATE MY WORLD. I could either continue to blame everyone else for my problems, or I could step up, set a new standard for my life, make better decisions, and move forward! That is what I did, and you can too!
Stop calling your “EX” out on Facebook. So what if he is an “ass”. Guess what? Calling him an “ass” hasn’t helped the situation yet! When is the last time you called someone a mean or hurtful name and they all of a sudden jumped up and said “You are right! I am an ass! Based on your criticism and public humiliation, I think I will step up and become a better person!” Let’s face it, that is not how it works. I get it, we all need to bitch and complain sometimes to get our feelings out. Call a friend and discharge all that negativity, but stop calling your “EX” mean names in public. It hurts a child to see his parents publicly ridicule one another, and it makes you look bitter and petty.
Just because you picked the wrong person in the past, doesn’t mean you are doomed to repeat the process. Not all women/men are bad. Not all relationships have to be ugly. But if you have a history that seems to make this true, it’s time to step up, read some books, take some courses, hire a coach, and do some personal growth! You deserve to be happy, fulfilled, and in a healthy, happy relationship in which you feel like the most important person in the world to someone. But first, you have to start focusing on the positive and create a healthier, happier new environment for you and your kids! Model happiness, compassion, and kindness. Let go of the ass from the past and start picking better people to have in your life, and Live Inspired Now!
PS: If you need some help dealing with new family dynamics, please check out: You’re Not My Real Mom!
Heather Paris inspires people all over the world to create happier lives through talks, workshops, blog posts, and her book, Live Inspired Now; A Field Guide For Happiness. For more information about transforming your relationship, family, or your life, contact Heather today!
There is one simple thing you can do to make yourself stand out with people, the thing that will make them always remember you when they need your services or want to refer business out! Enjoy today’s video and make yourself unforgettable!
Heather Paris inspires people all over the world to create happier lives through talks, workshops, blog posts, and her book, Live Inspired Now; A Field Guide For Happiness. For more information about transforming your relationship, family, or your life, contact Heather today!
Trust is a beautiful thing. It provides a refuge of safety and security to any relationship. It makes a person feel important, loved, cherished, and protected. But once that trust is gone, a person is left feeling scared, vulnerable, heart broken, and they start building walls to keep people out. As the walls grow higher with each betrayal, one can become completely closed off from the people they once loved so much. Trust is difficult to regain. It can be done, but not without a full commitment to the following 4 principles.
The 4 Principles to Re-Building Trust:
1 HONESTY:
Time to get brutally honest folks, Trust will never rebuild itself on the uncertainty of lies or manipulation. It can only be built upon the solid rocks of honesty and whole truth. Not half truths, and “she will never find out about that part,” but the kind of truth that scares the crap out of you. The truth that makes you cry, and makes your heart feel like it’s going to jump right out of your chest; the “omg, I hope nobody ever finds out about this” kind of truth. Be completely honest when your spouse asks you a question too. Don’t try to figure out their motive, or test to see if they already know the answer, just give a fully honest response. You must make a 100% commitment to honesty for trust to follow.
2 RESPONSIBILITY:
You’re not really being honest if you are blaming everyone else for your bad choices. Yes, it might be true that other people played a role, but the only way to rebuild trust is to be fully culpable for your part in the betrayal. You need to accept all consequences like a grown up, without complaint or contempt, and serve your time. Trying to turn things around and place blame on others only proves that you are not really sorry for what you have done. Rather, you are looking for excuses for your behavior to lessen your consequence or to ease your guilty conscience. Never blame the victim of your betrayal for their part, they will never learn to trust you while you are trying to make them feel bad.
3 COMMUNICATION:
There is no such thing as over communicating when you are trying to build trust. The person who was betrayed may want to talk all the time or not at all, be available for them. If your spouse wants to talk about their feelings, then listen. Allow them to have a safe environment to explain what they are going through without trying to fix, correct, change, or reacting aggressively to what they think or feel. Feelings are valid even if they seem irrational. It is not up to you to defend your actions, it is up to you to just be a good listener, and to show that you really care about how they feel. If your spouse does not want to talk, then let them know that you are available, and willing to listen without judgement. Be patient, everyone is different and your spouse may need time before they can articulate how they feel. Don’t try and rush them to it because you are afraid of the silence or afraid to lose them.
4 LEARNING:
Take whatever steps you need to learn how to make better choices in the future. Perhaps you need to see a coach or counselor and get through some deep seeded emotional issues from your past. Or maybe you need to a coach to teach you HOW to have a successful and happy relationship. Whatever it is, you need to learn to be more healthy and to avoid future betrayals. You also need to learn to trust yourself. Life is like a mirror, and your inner being is being reflected back at you all the time. If you don’t like what you see, then you need to do some self evaluation and make some positive changes in your life. There is nothing worse than earning your spouses trust back, only to lose it all over again because you didn’t learn to make better choices for yourself or your family.
If you need help re-establishing trust in your relationship, please message me today. It is not easy, but if you are truly committed and ready to learn better behaviors, it can be done. Take the first step to rebuilding a better relationship, earning trust back, and Live Inspired Now!
Heather Paris inspires people all over the world to create happier lives through talks, workshops, blog posts, and her book, Live Inspired Now; A Field Guide For Happiness. For more information about transforming your relationship, family, or your life, contact Heather today!
This is a topic that I find myself discussing a great deal with clients, especially females. It is important to keep the roles as adult partners with one another in a relationship, rather than falling into a parent/child scenario with your spouse.
Many years ago I learned that there are 3 people who could be present in any romantic relationship, and that understanding these roles was the best way to create change so that people could start to have more meaningful and loving relationships with one another. Here are the 3 roles and their functions:
PARENT: the person who assumes the role of taking care of the other spouse, helping them, doing things for them, and treating their spouse like a child. The parent enjoys the control but often becomes resentful of having to do everything and wishes for a more proactive partner. They may see their spouse as incapable, inept, or unmotivated. And yet, they wish they were more able to let go of things themselves. The parent often feels resentful, or of elevated importance, and most often “plays the martyr”.
CHILD: the person who takes on the role of being incapable of doing things, expecting the spouse to look out for them, and refusing to take responsibility for their own actions or behaviors. They want their needs met with little concern for meeting the needs of their spouse. They may see the spouse as controlling, over bearing, or smarter and better able to take care of the family. The child often feels attacked, or entitled, and most often “plays the victim”.
ADULT: the person in the relationship who sees all parties as valuable and works with the partner to make the family function well. They are strong and confident about what they know, yet are not afraid to admit when they need help or don’t know something. They like to work with their partner to meet each others needs, as well as the needs of the kids or family. They communicate effectively, without blame or shame, and they listen well to their partners. They admit faults or indiscretions, and work to make amends. They prioritize the family, and are accountable for their actions.
An adult partner is not typically successful in a relationship with someone playing the role of child or parent because it goes against the adults values to “enable the victim mentality of the child partner” or to succumb to the “martyrdom of a parent partner.”
Knowing is half the battle. No man wants to be married to his mother and spend his life with someone telling him what to do, what to eat, and how to think. At the same time, no woman wants to be married to her child and spend her life wishing he would help around the house, make a decision, or take responsibility for his actions. It’s exhausting living in a relationship that is out of alignment like that. If you are having challenges in your relationship, discuss these roles with your partner and see how you both might take steps to becoming “adult partners” and Live Inspired Now!
Heather Paris inspires people all over the world to create happier lives through talks, workshops, blog posts, and her book, Live Inspired Now; A Field Guide For Happiness. For more information about transforming your relationship, family, or your life, contact Heather today!
Roses are red, violets are blue, remember the love you gave today, and do it tomorrow too!
If you treat your partner like every day is Valentine’s Day, you won’t ever have to worry about drifting apart. That doesn’t mean you have to give flowers and candy each day; rather, give gifts of your heart. Share your thoughts, feelings, time, love, and show that you care each and every day!
Have a beautiful Valentines Day… today and every day, and Live Inspired Now!
Heather Paris inspires people all over the world to create happier lives through talks, workshops, blog posts, and her book, Live Inspired Now; A Field Guide For Happiness. For more information about transforming your relationship, family, or your life, contact Heather today!