I spent years listening to the opinions and unsolicited advice of others about how to parent my children and I thought I would address some of these things here. Now, I never said anything in the past, maybe I should have, but I am saying it now in an effort to help other parents. Parents who listen to the barrage of opinions, advice, criticism, and judgements of others. Parents who quietly go about their business without ever saying anything yet feel hurt inside. Parents, like I was, who need encouragement and support, not fear and manipulation… from anyone!
Here are some of the things I endured from others. Does any of this sound familiar?
What is it about pregnancy that makes people crazy? Everyone seems to have an opinion on how to harm or kill your own baby. I was told not to put my arms up over my head or I would cause the umbilical cord to wrap around the baby’s neck. I was told what to eat, what not to eat, how to sleep, walk, and even work. My favorite by far though was the constant advice on how to feed my baby once she was born. I had half the population telling me that I was irresponsible and not giving my baby the best chances in life if I didn’t breast feed. Whilst the other half of the population, mostly family, telling me that breastfeeding was disgusting and an embarrassment. How was I to succeed?
The next hurdle came when I was to have a son. I do not believe in circumcision and so the obvious choice for me was not to have my child circumcised. This was clearly the worst offense I ever committed as a parent. I was berated, insulted, and even yelled at. Someone close to me actually told me that “one day your son will come to you as a teenager and tell you that he hates you for what you have done.” Wow, just wow.
Madison, my first child, was a bit of a wild one! She was fearless, spontaneous, and very strong willed. She was a handful and often I was told by friends and family to “hit her.” I was told that my discipline style was not severe enough and that she was sure to turn out like an uncontrollable monster who would most likely be “knocked up” by 16, if I didn’t “spank her ass.” Regrettably, once I did actually try spanking her little bottom which left me in tears, while thankfully, Madison was completely unscathed and unaffected by my attempt. I was told that clearly, I didn’t hit her hard enough. I never tried again.
I was also a terrible parent for teaching my children about “choices.” I used to use the phrases “that was not a good choice” or “it’s your choice, but there are consequences,” as opposed to “your bad!” To the “choice” comments, I was told that kids don’t have choices, it was up to ME to make their choices, and I was giving them too much control, and my approach was “stupid.”
I also made it safe for my kids to talk to me… about ANYTHING. So while their friends were sometimes engaging in really risky behavior, our house was the safe zone. Our house was the place where kids could come and speak with “another Mother” (me) who would help and encourage without the judgement and ridicule. For the safe haven I offered, I often had a target on my back. Not many people, especially friends and family, want to offer you praise or thanks for doing the job they couldn’t.
I am here to tell you my children have turned out wonderfully. Now, not all of them are full grown and out of the house yet, so I supposed they could still hate me someday, but I am going to go ahead and take a chance to say that they have turned out awesome! Madison is 19, in the Air Force, and happy. I am happy to say she wasn’t “knocked up” at 16, nor did she sprout horns and become a demon. Harry is happy, successful, creative, and he likes me. Carrie seems to make really good “choices,” and is a very compassionate child. I have applied all of my “horrible parenting techniques” to my step children as well, and they love me too.
So my dear readers, parents, friends, family, and others: Don’t listen to the negative offerings of others. Don’t let someone else scare you into parenting in a way that you don’t agree with. Don’t let the hurtful words of others convince you to do something you think is wrong. Please follow your own hearts, heads, and higher selves. Surround yourself with people who inspire, encourage, and offer support. Believe me when I say that it WILL all work out. Do your best, love your children, never compromise yourself or your kids and Live Inspired Now.
PS: Would you like to learn more about my work with kids, both my own, and the kids I work with? My book ‘Live Inspired Now: A Field Guide For Happiness’ is full of great stories, life lessons, and quick tips about everything from parenting, to relationships, to finding your perfect mate, and more! Get an autographed copy right here on my site! Happy New Year Friends! 🙂
Heather Paris inspires people all over the world to create happier lives through talks, workshops, blog posts, and her book, Live Inspired Now; A Field Guide For Happiness. For more information about transforming your relationship, family, or your life, contact Heather today!
What words do you say habitually? What phrases do you repeat over and over? Are these words and phrases creating anything positive or strengthening in your life? Are they teaching your children to be empowered and confident? You can always make a change, you can always practice replacing the negative with positive. Like any habit, it takes time, but you can handle it!
Here are some of the positive things I say often and on a daily basis:
“God bless!” – to the kids before bed.
“What’s good?” – instead of “How are you?”
“I love you!” – not just to family, but to my friends also.
“I’m excited!” – instead of “I’m nervous.”
“I know you can handle it!” – instead of telling people what to do.
Words only have power if you believe them and what you tell yourself or your kids… you believe. So replace the negative and limiting words with more empowering words. Words can make things better, so use them optimally! Create more positive verbal habits, even if it is replacing only one negative phrase with a positive at a time, and Live Inspired Now!
PS: Don’t forget to get my book ‘Live Inspired Now; A Field Guide For Happiness’ today! It’s autographed, it’s awesome, and it’s going to change your life!
Heather Paris inspires people all over the world to create happier lives through talks, workshops, blog posts, and her book, Live Inspired Now; A Field Guide For Happiness. For more information about transforming your relationship, family, or your life, contact Heather today!
Yes, that is ME…eye patch and all! I think I must have been about 4 or so and I was visiting Santa at the Army base.
Some of my favorite memories growing up are of the simplest things. My favorite Christmas memory was in the early 80’s. Dad had just been stationed back in Germany shortly before Christmas and our household goods had not arrived yet. We were in an apartment in a high rise on the 18th floor and we had no furniture, no toys, nothing but what we had with us on the plane… and it was Christmas time.
I am sure times were tight financially but I certainly had no idea at my young age. My parents went and bought us a plastic bowling set, a couple of board games, and I got my first paint by numbers! They bought a miniature tree that had a stand attached and we decorated with popcorn and aluminum foil balls. My parents put one strand of lights on the little tree which we did not light in honor of the hostages being held in the “Iran Hostage Crisis.” I didn’t know what that meant, but I did know that we were honoring Americans who wouldn’t get to have Christmas with their families.
My parents played games with us and, since we had no furniture, the living room made an awesome bowling alley for our new plastic bowling pins! We didn’t have much, but we had fun and it is one of my fondest memories.
Isn’t it time we stopped creating debt and started creating memories? I promise you that the kids will remember the times you spent with them and appreciate your time more than your gifts. They will also remember any acts of charity you do together and they will likely make that part of their adult life as well.
Less is the new more… give less, feel more. Cry less, laugh more. Complain less, honor more. Buy less, love more. Create your children’s favorite future memories this year and Live Inspired Now!
Heather Paris inspires people all over the world to create happier lives through talks, workshops, blog posts, and her book, Live Inspired Now; A Field Guide For Happiness. For more information about transforming your relationship, family, or your life, contact Heather today!
This is a picture of the letter I received yesterday from Madison. She is nearly done with basic training and I am so excited to watch her graduate! Madison and I have been writing letters to one another every day since she left for Texas. There is nothing more sweet than receiving a letter from your “little girl” in which she tells you that you are her best friend and that she loves you! The most important thing I ever learned as a parent is that the relationship I have with my child outweighs any accomplishments or milestones that I may wish for them to achieve. (Keep in mind, “best friend” status shouldn’t occur until after they have left home.)
When Madison was in high school, she hated it. It was like pulling teeth just to get her to go to school, never mind doing well while she was there. At one point, one of her teachers called me in to discuss her grades. He insinuated that I was not actively participating in her education because I was not “forcing” her to do her Global History project. I explained that I have provided Madison with every possible resource to be successful in school but it was up to her to actually utilize them and that I was not going to put a gun to her head and try to force her to learn. The teacher smirked at me and retorted, “Some parents are actually invested in their children’s education!” At that moment, I think I could actually feel my blood boil inside my body and I wanted to lash out but I kept my cool and asked him if he had any children of his own. He said he didn’t, then changed his answer to “Well, one on the way.” I then offered him some advice. I merely said, “Some day, I hope you understand that the child is more than the grade. I am fully invested in my child and I love her enough to let her be responsible for her own consequences. That is the real education!”
The next day, this teacher apologized to me. Madison continued to struggle through school until she finally graduated. She was always smart enough to do the work, but like her mother, she didn’t find as much value in the classroom as she did in real world experience. I have no doubt that she will continue to be successful! Oh and what is success in our house? Happiness.
In this letter that Madison sent, the first line says “Mom, I miss you so much, you are my best friend.” I would say that my “investment” in my kid paid off! She is bright, loving, kind, and compassionate and I am very proud of her. Remember: while your children are growing up, the most important thing is to create a bond that will remain once they leave the home. Worry less about what other people think, don’t listen to ignorant comments, hug your babies, and Live Inspired Now!
Heather Paris inspires people all over the world to create happier lives through talks, workshops, blog posts, and her book, Live Inspired Now; A Field Guide For Happiness. For more information about transforming your relationship, family, or your life, contact Heather today!
