Nobody likes that person who is constantly correcting everyone. You know who I mean… the person at school or work who constantly tells you why you are wrong, or how you used improper grammar, or the irritating busy body who challenges everything you say. I often feel bad for people like that… they have this constant need to validate themselves by proving to themselves that they are right, or that they are smarter than others. It is a symptom of low self esteem because they require validation to feel good about themselves.
I like to tell my kids that right is right no matter who knows it, and it is (generally speaking) rude to correct people. Proving others wrong will never make you smarter, and it certainly won’t make you more popular. Teach kids to cherish relationships more than superficial validation and Live Inspired Now!
Heather Paris inspires people all over the world to create happier lives through talks, workshops, blog posts, and her book, Live Inspired Now; A Field Guide For Happiness. For more information about transforming your relationship, family, or your life, contact Heather today!
“Hey Heather,
Why are all boys in my grade such jerks? I really like XXXXXX and he said he liked me too, but he acts like he doesn’t like me when he is with his friends. I really want to have a boyfriend and I am mature and stuff, but I don’t think boys are.” -8th grader
Dear Mature and stuff,
You are in 8th grade. Nobody in 8th grade is mature enough for a “relationship” and that is a GOOD thing! Look at the adults around you… most of them are not even mature enough for a relationship! Many adults now are struggling, divorcing, cheating, lying, fighting, or living like roommates! This is because they never learned HOW to have a successful relationship! Schools don’t teach people how to communicate without hurting the other person, or how to meet the needs of your partner unconditionally, or even how to work through conflict. In other words, schools do not teach people how to have successful, happy, and healthy romantic relationships.
It is completely natural for you to want a boyfriend, but you my dear are in an excellent position to have something FAR better! Start learning HOW to be successful at relationships now, so you will be ready for a real relationship later! At your age, boys come and go, crushes happen often, and you will fall in love many times. That is part of the excitement of growing up. Just remember, now is not the time to focus on finding “Mr. Right.” It IS the time to giggle, have fun, hang out with BFF’s, take lots of selfies, talk about boys, drool over your favorite singer, dream of mansions and limousines, plan summer fun, spend time with your family, paint your nails, climb a tree, read a good book, watch a scary movie…. and a million other age appropriate fun things! I once read this saying; “High school is where you meet your bridesmaids, not your husband!” I like that a lot!
I hope you will take it upon yourself to become the relationship guru of your age group! There are plenty of books about relationships, (mine included,) there are youtube videos, and there are tons of blogs… all dedicated to teaching people how to have successful relationships. (Read the hundreds of blog posts right here: http://liveinspirednow.com/category/relationships/ ) You are not too young to learn, grow, and share your knowledge and someday, many years from now, some awesome guy will be grateful to be your boyfriend! Don’t miss out on him because you settled too soon for a “jerk.” Step into your own greatness, appreciate who you are right now, observe good and bad relationships, learn all you can, and Live Inspired Now!
Heather Paris inspires people all over the world to create happier lives through talks, workshops, blog posts, and her book, Live Inspired Now; A Field Guide For Happiness. For more information about transforming your relationship, family, or your life, contact Heather today!
Kids are born with everything they need to grow into confident, self-assured, well-rounded adults…. yet self-esteem is gravely lacking in our culture. Why? Because we teach kids to ignore everything they are naturally born with.
We teach them to seek approval rather than to self advocate. We teach them that their needs are less important than others. We teach them to compromise their own feelings. And worst of all, we teach them to self loathe by the examples we set.
We should not be teaching kids to get validation for their self-worth from a gold star sticker. They are good and worthy just because they exist, yet we teach them that their only worth is when the parents or teachers are pleased with them.
Then, we teach them to “share” their toys, and “be fair,” which is completely contrary to real life. Yes, we want to teach kids generosity and compassion, but not at the expense of their own feelings or happiness. You don’t share your house, car, or shiny new tractor with people, so don’t expect your child to share their favorite toy either. If it’s special, they may not want to share it. Teach them instead to share their time with others because THEY are what’s special… not the toy.
Things are not always “fair” in life, they aren’t supposed to be. Teaching kids to be “fair” is actually only training them to be “entitled!” Entitled kids grow up to think they deserve things, and that they shouldn’t have to work for what they have. They end up living in your basement when they are 30 with nothing but a million excuses as to why “life isn’t fair” and is holding them back!
And finally, we teach kids to self loathe because that is what we mirror for them. Kids are completely in love with themselves when they are small. They love to see themselves in mirrors, they make silly faces at themselves, they smile, laugh, and dance without a care in the world. They don’t care who is watching, nor do they care what anyone thinks. Until they see Mom or Dad become embarrassed, or Mom and Dad tells them to “stop because everyone is watching.” Or the child stands and watches Mom poke her own fat in the mirror and talk about how disgusting she is. Or the child hears Dad say “Keep your voice down, I don’t want anyone to think we are losers.” There are millions of examples of how we teach our kids to dim their own light. The best thing we can do to counteract this is to model better behavior. Kids will hate or love themselves, just as much as we do! Do them a favor and love yourself, respect yourself, hold yourself in much higher esteem!
Our society, in general doesn’t promote self-esteem. Isn’t it time for a change? Especially since we are already born with esteem and we go out of our way to wreck it! Let’s stop doing that! Let’s start to raise the standard of confidence, worth, respect, altruism, and self-esteem in our society! Let’s start by not removing these inherent traits in our young people. Let’s model good behavior, raise the standard, and Live Inspired Now!
Learn to raise healthy, happy, well adjusted kids who lead and succeed!! Join the Live Inspired Now Coach Training here!!
Heather Paris inspires people all over the world to create happier lives through talks, workshops, blog posts, and her book, Live Inspired Now; A Field Guide For Happiness. For more information about transforming your relationship, family, or your life, contact Heather today!
I just realized that I talk a lot about attitude on my Mom’s Musings board, but hey, with 5 teenagers in my home, I definitely know a lot about attitudes!!! It’s true…. we create our own reality. Two kids with the same upbringing may have 2 completely different opinions and attitudes about how they were raised. Two people diagnosed with the exact same disease will have different ways of handling it. Two people doing the same job and 1 will love it while the other hates it! How much of your own attitude has effected your reality?
Create your reality with as much positive attitude and intention as possible, choose happiness and joy, and Live Inspired Now!
Heather Paris inspires people all over the world to create happier lives through talks, workshops, blog posts, and her book, Live Inspired Now; A Field Guide For Happiness. For more information about transforming your relationship, family, or your life, contact Heather today!
“Hey Heather-
My daughter is very sensitive. It’s such a scary world, and I can see why she gets overwhelmed. I have encouraged her to cry, talk about her feelings, and even make her sit with me each day after school to allow her to let go of all the negative emotions. She loves this time together but it seems like she never gets relief from it. Any suggestions?”
-Mom to very sensitive 12-year-old
Dear Mom,
It sounds like you might be helping her a little too much. It is great that you are there for your daughter, but it sounds like she is getting more enjoyment from all the attention over being sensitive. I don’t know the language you are using with her, but be very matter of fact when you speak with her about her feelings. Parents sometimes “lead” the conversation and talk the kids into feeling a certain way. For example: if you daughter says someone called her a name, don’t say “oh that must have made you feel so bad,” or “I am so sorry that happened to you, that is despicable and you should not have to tolerate such behavior!” This only tells her that she SHOULD feel badly, when she may have only felt irritated but moved on from it.
Instead, just ask her how SHE felt. If she says “hurt,” then hug her and let her know it’s OK to feel hurt, and it’s OK to move past it too! Also remind her, that other people may have opinions about her, but that doesn’t make them true.
Here is an antidote I like to use with my own kids and my clients:
Are you green? Is your skin color green? No, there is no debating that, so you don’t have to be offended. In fact, it’s rather funny if someone called you green because it makes no sense. Why then would it bother you if someone called you “dumb?” Are you dumb? NO! So you can laugh at that funny statement too!
Mom, stop focusing so much on the negative emotions she is feeling and start asking her “what’s good?” Turn her focus to the positive things that happen each day, let her express feelings then move on, and use matter of fact language without putting your own emotion into it. Go spend some time with your daughter having some fun and laughing…. and Live Inspired Now!
Heather Paris inspires people all over the world to create happier lives through talks, workshops, blog posts, and her book, Live Inspired Now; A Field Guide For Happiness. For more information about transforming your relationship, family, or your life, contact Heather today!