“Hey Heather,
My parents and friends don’t like my boyfriend. They supported me when we broke up but I wish they could be equally supportive now that we are back together. He really is a great guy and it was my fault that we broke up; but, my friends blame him for cheating when he actually didn’t. I was really pissed that he was talking to this one girl I can’t stand. He was not cheating at all, but my friends and parents won’t believe me now. How can I convince them that he is the man I love and that they need to be supportive because he is the man I am going to be with?” -Young, in love, and unsupported
Dear Young, in love, and unsupported, Oops… I meant to say: Dear Liar,
I hear this often from people who are addicted to drama. They spend their entire relationship “relating” their business to anyone who will listen rather than focusing on giving to their partner and building a loving relationship. Your friends and family are not light switches. They cannot turn their “like” on and off. You lied so well about your boyfriend that you convinced everyone he was bad. Now you are feeling “unsupported” because they won’t buy into the new version of your story? How supported do you think this poor guy feels? He is dating a girl who talks badly about him, accuses him of doing things he hasn’t done, and then expects to control the feelings of others with her lies. My dear, you don’t need support, you need to stop lying and creating drama! If he is such a great guy, people will see that. But you best beware… if he is such a great guy, HE will also see who YOU are. Never lie about your relationship to “get people on your side” because lies always have a way of coming around to bite you. If you really want this relationship to have a prayer, start by fessing up to your lies, cut the drama, and start focusing on being a good girlfriend. BE the type of person you would want to be in a relationship with, and stop trying to control other people.
Sorry to be so harsh my dear, but I guarantee if you follow my advice, you will see ALL of your relationships start to improve! You are worthy of love and happiness, but you will never find it in deception. Open your heart and be vulnerable, and trust people to love you for who you are, without trying to manipulate or control them, and Live Inspired Now!
Heather Paris inspires people all over the world to create happier lives through talks, workshops, blog posts, and her book, Live Inspired Now; A Field Guide For Happiness. For more information about transforming your relationship, family, or your life, contact Heather today!
Starting today, I am going to be posting a column called “Hey Heather!” Please feel free to email your questions to me directly at heather@liveinspirednow.com. I will answer as many as I can and post the very best questions here on the blog, probably once per week. I look forward to helping you by offering my advice! Don’t wait, send your questions now! 🙂 Thank you to “Confused Man With No Kids” for the very first “Hey Heather” question!
“Hey Heather-
Why does my friend’s 19 year old daughter always voice her entire life on facebook?
-Confused Man With No Kids”
Dear Confused-
The short answer: Because she’s 19 and likes attention, and wants to be sure that her feelings are valid.
The long answer: Kids (and some adults) today tend to post so much of their personal drama on facebook because they are seeking validation. Let me give you some examples of posts, and tell you what they really mean!
“I wish this didn’t make me so mad.” = Please ask me why I am so mad, then tell me I have every right to be mad.
“I don’t typically post things like this, but I am going to now……” = I need validation for what I am feeling, and I do NOT want to be called out for posting my business on facebook.
“Looks like I don’t really have any friends.” = My friends all have something cool to do and I feel left out, so I will try to make them feel bad for me so they will feel guilty and will not exclude me again.
“I can’t believe you would post that! I am so offended!” = I think that all things should align with my own ideas and beliefs, and I need you to know that you are wrong and should change immediately.
“I’m in the hospital!” = My real friends will frantically start to message me to see if I am OK. Not only will I feel loved, but this will show me who really cares about me.
Everyone wants to feel validated sometimes. We all (yes, even me) have been guilty of posting something that was purely intended to get attention, or even to passive-aggressively hurt someone. In general, people use more indirect communication, rather than just coming out and saying what they really feel. They feel compelled to make sure someone “cares” enough to comment, or like their post. The problem with this is that we have a culture of young people who don’t feel worthy unless someone has validated them with a “like, a comment, or a share.”
Young people, especially, should be learning self-worth, self-esteem, and self-awareness. They shouldn’t measure their self-worth based on social media acceptance! I believe that we as parents/adults, have a duty to teach our young people to value themselves, to self advocate, and to use their authentic voice no matter who “likes” it! We need to teach them to speak clearly, and directly, and ask for what they need! Of course that would require US, to start doing it too!
So next time you are tempted to post “OMG, my life is pathetic,” just consider phoning a friend (or life coach) instead! Remember, the kids are reading and learning from us. Let’s teach them how to get their needs met by just speaking up, self advocating, and saving the drama for “yo mama!”
Sincerely,
Heather Paris
Heather Paris inspires people all over the world to create happier lives through talks, workshops, blog posts, and her book, Live Inspired Now; A Field Guide For Happiness. For more information about transforming your relationship, family, or your life, contact Heather today!
Trust is a beautiful thing. It provides a refuge of safety and security to any relationship. It makes a person feel important, loved, cherished, and protected. But once that trust is gone, a person is left feeling scared, vulnerable, heart broken, and they start building walls to keep people out. As the walls grow higher with each betrayal, one can become completely closed off from the people they once loved so much. Trust is difficult to regain. It can be done, but not without a full commitment to the following 4 principles.
The 4 Principles to Re-Building Trust:
1 HONESTY:
Time to get brutally honest folks, Trust will never rebuild itself on the uncertainty of lies or manipulation. It can only be built upon the solid rocks of honesty and whole truth. Not half truths, and “she will never find out about that part,” but the kind of truth that scares the crap out of you. The truth that makes you cry, and makes your heart feel like it’s going to jump right out of your chest; the “omg, I hope nobody ever finds out about this” kind of truth. Be completely honest when your spouse asks you a question too. Don’t try to figure out their motive, or test to see if they already know the answer, just give a fully honest response. You must make a 100% commitment to honesty for trust to follow.
2 RESPONSIBILITY:
You’re not really being honest if you are blaming everyone else for your bad choices. Yes, it might be true that other people played a role, but the only way to rebuild trust is to be fully culpable for your part in the betrayal. You need to accept all consequences like a grown up, without complaint or contempt, and serve your time. Trying to turn things around and place blame on others only proves that you are not really sorry for what you have done. Rather, you are looking for excuses for your behavior to lessen your consequence or to ease your guilty conscience. Never blame the victim of your betrayal for their part, they will never learn to trust you while you are trying to make them feel bad.
3 COMMUNICATION:
There is no such thing as over communicating when you are trying to build trust. The person who was betrayed may want to talk all the time or not at all, be available for them. If your spouse wants to talk about their feelings, then listen. Allow them to have a safe environment to explain what they are going through without trying to fix, correct, change, or reacting aggressively to what they think or feel. Feelings are valid even if they seem irrational. It is not up to you to defend your actions, it is up to you to just be a good listener, and to show that you really care about how they feel. If your spouse does not want to talk, then let them know that you are available, and willing to listen without judgement. Be patient, everyone is different and your spouse may need time before they can articulate how they feel. Don’t try and rush them to it because you are afraid of the silence or afraid to lose them.
4 LEARNING:
Take whatever steps you need to learn how to make better choices in the future. Perhaps you need to see a coach or counselor and get through some deep seeded emotional issues from your past. Or maybe you need to a coach to teach you HOW to have a successful and happy relationship. Whatever it is, you need to learn to be more healthy and to avoid future betrayals. You also need to learn to trust yourself. Life is like a mirror, and your inner being is being reflected back at you all the time. If you don’t like what you see, then you need to do some self evaluation and make some positive changes in your life. There is nothing worse than earning your spouses trust back, only to lose it all over again because you didn’t learn to make better choices for yourself or your family.
If you need help re-establishing trust in your relationship, please message me today. It is not easy, but if you are truly committed and ready to learn better behaviors, it can be done. Take the first step to rebuilding a better relationship, earning trust back, and Live Inspired Now!
Heather Paris inspires people all over the world to create happier lives through talks, workshops, blog posts, and her book, Live Inspired Now; A Field Guide For Happiness. For more information about transforming your relationship, family, or your life, contact Heather today!
Have you made it safe enough for your lover to be completely and totally honest with you? If you have read my book, you know that I believe honesty is a keystone in relationships. There is never an excuse for a partner to lie, or be dishonest, period. However, you also must ensure you are making it safe for your partner to be that open.
I often hear that one spouse doesn’t feel they can be honest because of the storm that will ensue if they are. It’s as if they are partnered with their parent, or their boss, as opposed to a mate, lover, partner, or spouse. I hear that they will lie just because it is “easier” than telling the truth. It is “easier” than being yelled at, ridiculed, belittled, or abused. THIS IS NOT A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP FOLKS!
Be your partners BIGGEST fan! Let them know that they are safe to express whatever they are thinking, feeling, or needing. Create a relationship that offers complete honesty, love, non-judgement, and support for one another and you will create a relationship that cannot be broken. The bond of honesty, trust, and true friendship can withstand any type of chaos!
Make sure your partner knows that it is safe to say things like: “I really don’t want to be around your parents, can we come up with an alternative?” or “I was really mad when you texted me about XYZ. Let’s talk about it because I don’t want to start resenting you.” or “I am feeling disconnected with you and I would like to do something together to get back on track.” or even “So and so flirted with me at work, I ignored it and walked away but wanted you to know so it didn’t seem like I was keeping something from you.” If your partner can express these types of things to you, without feeling afraid of what you will do, you will have a very strong and honest relationship!
An exceptional relationship enjoys honest communication, deep connection, and true acceptance of one another. Today, be sure your partner knows it is safe to be honest. If they don’t, start creating healthier habits in your relationship and Live Inspired Now!
PS: Want more advice on how to be happy, and have an awesome relationship? Buy my book ‘Live Inspired Now; A Field Guide For Happiness’ today! Or contact me today for coaching and make all of your relationships awesome!
Heather Paris inspires people all over the world to create happier lives through talks, workshops, blog posts, and her book, Live Inspired Now; A Field Guide For Happiness. For more information about transforming your relationship, family, or your life, contact Heather today!
Dear Young Ladies,
Do you know what it means to “jump the gun”? This saying refers to a runner who starts the race before the starting gun fires. The runner is then dis-qualified and kicked out of the race for starting too early.
Would you take an opportunity to “jump the gun?”
What if someone offered you Christmas early? Would you take it? Say I could offer you Christmas today, months and months before anyone else. You would get great presents, yummy food, special attention, but you would be the only one. Then, when Christmas comes around for real, you would get nothing, and would not be able to participate. You would have to watch as others enjoyed the holiday together, without you. Would you take that if it were offered to you?
Ladies, we are often temped to engage in things too early. In fact, many of you will contemplate “jumping the gun” in your relationships. Many girls do this because it feels good to be “wanted” or “needed.” However, the truth is, that when you get too involved when you are too young, you risk jumping the gun on something that would be far more special if you waited to share it.
Having intimate relationships when you are in your early teens might get you attention now, but you will lose out in the long run. The attention you get now from a 13 year old boy will NEVER compare to that of a loving, committed man when you are older. Please don’t trade tomorrow’s happiness for today’s comfort.
You do NOT need a boyfriend to prove that you are worthy. You do NOT need someone to like you in order to like yourself. You do NOT need “likes” on your facebook selfie to prove you are pretty. You do NOT need to show your body to get attention. You are loving, caring, worthy, beautiful, smart, talented, funny, and impressive young ladies and you deserve the best… just because you are YOU! No matter what grades you get, no matter how many friends you have, no matter how many tweets get shared, no matter where you live, no matter what you look like, no matter your size… no matter what…. YOU MATTER!
So my dear young ladies, your time will come; don’t jump the gun. It is absolutely OK to like boys, to talk about boys, and to have age appropriate relationships. But avoid getting into sexual or intimate relationships too early. Wait and be excited about what’s to come when you get older, enjoy the milestones of your youth, make lasting friendships and Live Inspired Now.
PS: If you need help, please message me today! You can find me on facebook as Inspired Heather Paris, or you can email me at: heather@liveinspirednow.com. Even if you have “jumped the gun” in some area of your life, you can recreate your innocence. You are not broken, messed up, or damaged. Contact me for help and start thinking more highly of yourself… because YOU matter!
PPS: Parents, if you are concerned about your daughter, please reach out. I help young people learn self worth, self confidence, and self love. Don’t wait until it’s too late, get help now if your child is in crisis.
Heather Paris inspires people all over the world to create happier lives through talks, workshops, blog posts, and her book, Live Inspired Now; A Field Guide For Happiness. For more information about transforming your relationship, family, or your life, contact Heather today!
