Trust is a beautiful thing. It provides a refuge of safety and security to any relationship. It makes a person feel important, loved, cherished, and protected. But once that trust is gone, a person is left feeling scared, vulnerable, heart broken, and they start building walls to keep people out. As the walls grow higher with each betrayal, one can become completely closed off from the people they once loved so much. Trust is difficult to regain. It can be done, but not without a full commitment to the following 4 principles.
The 4 Principles to Re-Building Trust:
1 HONESTY:
Time to get brutally honest folks, Trust will never rebuild itself on the uncertainty of lies or manipulation. It can only be built upon the solid rocks of honesty and whole truth. Not half truths, and “she will never find out about that part,” but the kind of truth that scares the crap out of you. The truth that makes you cry, and makes your heart feel like it’s going to jump right out of your chest; the “omg, I hope nobody ever finds out about this” kind of truth. Be completely honest when your spouse asks you a question too. Don’t try to figure out their motive, or test to see if they already know the answer, just give a fully honest response. You must make a 100% commitment to honesty for trust to follow.
2 RESPONSIBILITY:
You’re not really being honest if you are blaming everyone else for your bad choices. Yes, it might be true that other people played a role, but the only way to rebuild trust is to be fully culpable for your part in the betrayal. You need to accept all consequences like a grown up, without complaint or contempt, and serve your time. Trying to turn things around and place blame on others only proves that you are not really sorry for what you have done. Rather, you are looking for excuses for your behavior to lessen your consequence or to ease your guilty conscience. Never blame the victim of your betrayal for their part, they will never learn to trust you while you are trying to make them feel bad.
3 COMMUNICATION:
There is no such thing as over communicating when you are trying to build trust. The person who was betrayed may want to talk all the time or not at all, be available for them. If your spouse wants to talk about their feelings, then listen. Allow them to have a safe environment to explain what they are going through without trying to fix, correct, change, or reacting aggressively to what they think or feel. Feelings are valid even if they seem irrational. It is not up to you to defend your actions, it is up to you to just be a good listener, and to show that you really care about how they feel. If your spouse does not want to talk, then let them know that you are available, and willing to listen without judgement. Be patient, everyone is different and your spouse may need time before they can articulate how they feel. Don’t try and rush them to it because you are afraid of the silence or afraid to lose them.
4 LEARNING:
Take whatever steps you need to learn how to make better choices in the future. Perhaps you need to see a coach or counselor and get through some deep seeded emotional issues from your past. Or maybe you need to a coach to teach you HOW to have a successful and happy relationship. Whatever it is, you need to learn to be more healthy and to avoid future betrayals. You also need to learn to trust yourself. Life is like a mirror, and your inner being is being reflected back at you all the time. If you don’t like what you see, then you need to do some self evaluation and make some positive changes in your life. There is nothing worse than earning your spouses trust back, only to lose it all over again because you didn’t learn to make better choices for yourself or your family.
If you need help re-establishing trust in your relationship, please message me today. It is not easy, but if you are truly committed and ready to learn better behaviors, it can be done. Take the first step to rebuilding a better relationship, earning trust back, and Live Inspired Now!
Heather Paris inspires people all over the world to create happier lives through talks, workshops, blog posts, and her book, Live Inspired Now; A Field Guide For Happiness. For more information about transforming your relationship, family, or your life, contact Heather today!
Have you ever felt really angry, frustrated, or irritated and then you ended up lashing out at people because of it? There is a way to have those feelings without causing so much damage and it is really simple. Learn to explain your non-positive feelings instead of expressing them!
Explaining how you feel (in a calm tone) rather than expressing yourself (using elevated tones and body language) makes it more likely that other people will listen and actually hear what you say. How many times have you said something in anger and the other person heard it in a way that was much worse than you intended? Your voice tone and body language are far more influential than the actual words you are saying.
You might yell “I am so irritated by you, why don’t you ever put the lid back on the toothpaste when you’re done?” But what the other person hears is “I hate you, you never do anything right!” It sounds crazy now as you read it, but this is so common! I hear from couples all the time about this. They hear the intention in the voice tone rather than the actual words and it causes bigger problems.
If you choose to explain your non-positive feelings, in a more calm manner, you can get your point across with a better chance of avoiding miscommunications. Try talking about your feelings instead of yelling, screaming, or judging and see how your communication changes! Feel free to express joy, elation, curiosity, and other happy emotions but explain the rest! See how your life, your relationships, and your stress levels change with this easy tip and Live Inspired Now!
Buy “Live Inspired Now; A Field Guide For Happiness” today and get practical inspiration for your happy life!!!
Heather Paris inspires people all over the world to create happier lives through talks, workshops, blog posts, and her book, Live Inspired Now; A Field Guide For Happiness. For more information about transforming your relationship, family, or your life, contact Heather today!
Storms are a natural and normal part of life no matter what climate you live in! The same is true in relationships…. storms are part of life. You can survive the storm if you are properly prepared. Just like making sure you have water, food, and other necessities during a weather storm, you need to know what to do for relationship storms too.
Follow these 4 vital steps to weather your relationship storms:
Awareness: Talk to one another about situations that may cause stress. You may not even realize when you are getting stressed out, so spend some time thinking about it. Maybe the morning rush is the catalyst that causes so many arguments? Or perhaps disagreements about parenting and what type of consequences the children should get? Become fully aware of where and when the storm begins to brew so you can address it.
Action Plan: During stress free times, create an action plan to follow during the storm. Come to an agreement on who has the final say in different scenarios should you come to a stale mate. Perhaps “you” have the final say on parenting consequences, but “I” have the final say on financial decisions. That is not to say that you both don’t have valuable input, it’s just a plan in case you can’t agree. And you will eventually find a situation where you simply cannot agree on what should be done, but you can still agree on a plan that you both created for these types of situations.
Stay The Course: Don’t give up on your plan, you created it for a reason and it will work if you stick to it. After the storm, you can re-visit your action plans and tweak them as needed but during the storm stay on track. Hold on to one another when the boat is rocking especially when the storm is rough! A united crew will save the ship.
Thank Your Crew: You are both “co-captains” of the ship, appreciate and thank one another. Gratitude is the antidote for anger! Celebrate the storm passing by spending time together, loving one another, and deeply appreciating that your relationship is strong enough to weather the storm!
Follow these simply steps to create a relationship that is stronger than any storm and Live Inspired Now!
Buy “Live Inspired Now; A Field Guide For Happiness” today and get practical inspiration for your happy life!!!
Heather Paris inspires people all over the world to create happier lives through talks, workshops, blog posts, and her book, Live Inspired Now; A Field Guide For Happiness. For more information about transforming your relationship, family, or your life, contact Heather today!
It can be challenging when someone you love has anxiety. You might not know what to do, or how to react during their anxiety or panic attack. Everyone is different but here are a few tips to help you cope when someone you care about is dealing with anxiety.
1 Be compassionate: Make an effort to understand where the anxiety is coming from. First of all, know that is not about you, but rather, how they are feeling about a situation. For example, they may have parenting anxiety and get upset when they don’t know what to do about a child that won’t stop crying. Understand that they might be concerned for the child’s safety, it may be rational or irrational, but to them it is very real. Because they can’t stop the child’s crying, they feel overwhelmed and out of control. Trying to understand where the anxiety stems from and realizing it is not about you will help you feel more compassionate toward the person suffering.
2 Resist the urge to engage: Make an effort to avoid getting sucked in. No matter how much someone is stressing out, you have the choice to remain calm. Imagine if the EMT (Emergency Medical Technicians) workers arrived at a car accident and they all started screaming and freaking out; nobody would ever be rescued. Picture yourself as an EMT worker, and you are there to help and remain calm during the crisis. You might not be able to “help” but by remaining calm, you can prevent the situation from becoming worse.
3 Take a deep breath: Simple, I know, but most people forget this in the moment. Find peace in taking nice deep breaths, it will help to keep you grounded and focused.Make sure to breathe deeply enough to make you consciously acknowledge your diaphragm moving.
4 Validate their feelings and offer to help if you can: Say something like “I see that you are upset, how can I help?” or “I see you are struggling, would you like to talk about it?” They may not want your help (and that is OK), but at least you are making an effort to understand and help.
5 Walk away if you need to: If you find that you are unable to avoid reacting, or over-reacting, then simply walk away. Explain later that you had to get away, but it’s better to walk away than to pour gasoline on the fire. Create healthy boundaries, even with people who are very close.
6 Communicate: Give everyone enough time to cool down, then talk about the situation. Talk about how the situation might have been handled differently, and express how you were feeling. You can even talk about creating an action plan for future anxiety attacks. Your loved one might appreciate you just taking a step back and not doing anything when they are anxious. Or they might have a specific phrase that you can say that will let them know you are there for them. Communicate honestly and openly with one another and you will get through anything!
7 Lay your weapons down: Pointing out your loved ones weaknesses will not help them. It can be scary and frustrating when your loved one is having an anxiety or panic attack. However, yelling at them, or judging them will never help them get better. If you want to express your love for them, create a safe place for them to be honest and open with you about what is going on. Encourage them to seek professional help. Offer to be supportive and continue to encourage while they are learning to overcome anxiety. Anxiety is not something you can just “stop doing” or “just focus on something else.” It takes professional help to overcome so encourage your loved one to reach out for help. Note: many people are far more receptive to seeking help from a “life coach” rather than from a “therapist”.
Most of all, do your best. We are not perfect, nor will we always react perfectly when someone we love is in crisis. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Do your best, ask for help if you need it, learn as much as you can, be supportive and kind without compromising yourself, and Live Inspired Now!
Heather Paris inspires people all over the world to create happier lives through talks, workshops, blog posts, and her book, Live Inspired Now; A Field Guide For Happiness. For more information about transforming your relationship, family, or your life, contact Heather today!
If you have read my book, you know how many times I have been married. Yet, I still very much believe in the sanctity of marriage. With that said, I ALSO believe in marriage education! There is currently no school curriculum that teaches children how to enter into and maintain healthy relationships. If these relationships are not modeled for them at home, how will they learn?
With today’s divorce rate being so high, and single parent households being so common, kids are rarely subjected to healthy and happy marriages or partnerships. I don’t define marriage, I only encourage it to be healthy. Your family definition is your business, but teaching you to be healthy and happy is mine!
Not all marriages are meant to last, and how could they be? Too many people get so caught up in the excitement of the wedding, the drama, the attention, the fun that they forget the excitement will eventually come to an end. Once that happens, if they don’t know how to communicate with their partner, the relationship will suffer. When the music stops, we need to know how to appreciate the silence. Love ebbs and flows, and we need to teach our young people how to weather the storm. Not only that, but we need to teach young people HOW to choose the right person for them. Young people NEED to know: the difference between love and infatuation, how to put one another first above all else, and to be completely vulnerable and honest with one another. Until we teach young people relationship skills, we will continue to have people getting divorced in record numbers.
During one of my recent speaking engagements, a woman, in her 50’s, approached me after my talk. She stated that she was unhappily married to her second husband, and that she often took comfort in the fact that he was 20 years older than her, which meant that he may “die much sooner than me.” She then went on to say “Oh, I know that is awful, but I often think about it.” Here is what I said to her in response: “It isn’t awful to say that, it’s human. But do you want to be the type of human that wishes death for your spouse just so you don’t have to take action? You have the opportunity every day to make changes!” I also mentioned that she wasn’t really doing him any great favors by staying with him and that he might be happier to be alone than to be with a wife who dreams of his death.
This is not uncommon folks. I hear these types of things ALL THE TIME! What I don’t hear a lot of though, is people taking personal responsibility for their own lives, choices, behaviors, and relationships. How much are you really doing to make your relationship work? Have you really considered your potential spouse in the long term? Have you read any books or taken any workshops about healthy relationships? Have you learned how to communicate effectively? And most of all, what steps are you taking to ensure your kids learn these skills?
Learn how to choose the right partner. Learn how to communicate in a manner that gets your point across without hurting your significant other. Learn some simple tools that will teach you how to have a successful relationship. Then, model that behavior for your children. Learn how to create lasting love, and Live Inspired Now!
PS: Please reach out to me today if you need help with your current relationship, or if you would like me to teach you how to pick a better partner going forward. I can give you the tools to make your relationships happy and healthy with the best possible chance of success! I look forward to helping you find true, lasting love! I can also teach you how to teach your children to have healthy relationships despite your current circumstances!
Heather Paris inspires people all over the world to create happier lives through talks, workshops, blog posts, and her book, Live Inspired Now; A Field Guide For Happiness. For more information about transforming your relationship, family, or your life, contact Heather today!
