Trust is a beautiful thing. It provides a refuge of safety and security to any relationship. It makes a person feel important, loved, cherished, and protected. But once that trust is gone, a person is left feeling scared, vulnerable, heart broken, and they start building walls to keep people out. As the walls grow higher with each betrayal, one can become completely closed off from the people they once loved so much. Trust is difficult to regain. It can be done, but not without a full commitment to the following 4 principles.
The 4 Principles to Re-Building Trust:
1 HONESTY:
Time to get brutally honest folks, Trust will never rebuild itself on the uncertainty of lies or manipulation. It can only be built upon the solid rocks of honesty and whole truth. Not half truths, and “she will never find out about that part,” but the kind of truth that scares the crap out of you. The truth that makes you cry, and makes your heart feel like it’s going to jump right out of your chest; the “omg, I hope nobody ever finds out about this” kind of truth. Be completely honest when your spouse asks you a question too. Don’t try to figure out their motive, or test to see if they already know the answer, just give a fully honest response. You must make a 100% commitment to honesty for trust to follow.
2 RESPONSIBILITY:
You’re not really being honest if you are blaming everyone else for your bad choices. Yes, it might be true that other people played a role, but the only way to rebuild trust is to be fully culpable for your part in the betrayal. You need to accept all consequences like a grown up, without complaint or contempt, and serve your time. Trying to turn things around and place blame on others only proves that you are not really sorry for what you have done. Rather, you are looking for excuses for your behavior to lessen your consequence or to ease your guilty conscience. Never blame the victim of your betrayal for their part, they will never learn to trust you while you are trying to make them feel bad.
3 COMMUNICATION:
There is no such thing as over communicating when you are trying to build trust. The person who was betrayed may want to talk all the time or not at all, be available for them. If your spouse wants to talk about their feelings, then listen. Allow them to have a safe environment to explain what they are going through without trying to fix, correct, change, or reacting aggressively to what they think or feel. Feelings are valid even if they seem irrational. It is not up to you to defend your actions, it is up to you to just be a good listener, and to show that you really care about how they feel. If your spouse does not want to talk, then let them know that you are available, and willing to listen without judgement. Be patient, everyone is different and your spouse may need time before they can articulate how they feel. Don’t try and rush them to it because you are afraid of the silence or afraid to lose them.
4 LEARNING:
Take whatever steps you need to learn how to make better choices in the future. Perhaps you need to see a coach or counselor and get through some deep seeded emotional issues from your past. Or maybe you need to a coach to teach you HOW to have a successful and happy relationship. Whatever it is, you need to learn to be more healthy and to avoid future betrayals. You also need to learn to trust yourself. Life is like a mirror, and your inner being is being reflected back at you all the time. If you don’t like what you see, then you need to do some self evaluation and make some positive changes in your life. There is nothing worse than earning your spouses trust back, only to lose it all over again because you didn’t learn to make better choices for yourself or your family.
If you need help re-establishing trust in your relationship, please message me today. It is not easy, but if you are truly committed and ready to learn better behaviors, it can be done. Take the first step to rebuilding a better relationship, earning trust back, and Live Inspired Now!
Heather Paris inspires people all over the world to create happier lives through talks, workshops, blog posts, and her book, Live Inspired Now; A Field Guide For Happiness. For more information about transforming your relationship, family, or your life, contact Heather today!
Last night, Thad and I went to see Cirque de Soleil’s Michael Jackson, Immortal Tour. It was incredible in every way but one of the dancers in particular really inspired me! Jean Sok, was break dancing and flipping all over the stage, and running circles around other dancers; yet he only has one leg! It got me thinking about limitations, and how we really do determine our own limitations.
The biggest limitation that almost ALL people need to overcome is their own mind! In an interview, Jean said that he had people in life who told him he couldn’t be a dancer, and those who told him to go for it. He just chose to listen to those who said go for it because it aligned with his own beliefs that he could! He said that he never auditioned as a person with limitations, rather as a “normal” person. He didn’t consider himself anything but normal, so he never set limits for himself. Awesome!
I have known completely able-bodied people who are far more “disabled” by their negative attitude and lack of determination, and people with “disabilities” who never stop achieving every dream they have. It’s all about what you decide to set as a standard for yourself. Are you going to give up, give in, or step up and lean in? If you are going to set limits for yourself, then you are sure to live by them. Get inspired, shatter your limitations, enable and empower your thinking and Live Inspired Now!
Heather Paris inspires people all over the world to create happier lives through talks, workshops, blog posts, and her book, Live Inspired Now; A Field Guide For Happiness. For more information about transforming your relationship, family, or your life, contact Heather today!
Indecision does not have to cause anxiety. Take a step back, take a deep breath, give yourself a moment, and then make a decision. I watch people become frantic all the time… in line at the grocery store or at the coffee counter, or even when trying to decide which way to go while driving. People just start to freak out a little because they don’t know what they want, and you can see the anxiety start to rush over them. They might get red, start breathing more shallow, self deprecate, and then they might even take out their anxiety on whomever is close by. I have seen parents yell at their kids, or angrily grab their kids because they are starting to feel overwhelmed by the decision making process.
It’s true that other people may get irritated that they have to wait behind you, but that doesn’t mean you have to let their impatience or rudeness influence you. If you are in a line and get completely overwhelmed you have a couple of options.
1 Step out of line, gather yourself, make your decision, then get back in line. NO, nobody is looking at you and thinking you’re weird. NO, nobody is judging you because you couldn’t make a decision. NO, you don’t have to leave the store and never come back. The truth is, nobody cares…. they are all too busy thinking about themselves to notice that you stepped out of the line and are taking a break by the condiment counter.
2 Stay in the line, take a deep breath, give yourself a moment, then make your decision. It is OK, to take a moment to decide something. While it might be true that you have someone rude in line behind you who might roll their eyes, or huff loudly, you can choose to ignore them, and be in control of YOU! Chances are, most people are probably just waiting patiently and really not noticing you at all.
Today, don’t let the anxiety of indecision effect your day. Have self compassion and allow yourself to relax. Let other people worry about their own impatience, it’s not your problem. Be patient and kind to yourself and Live Inspired Now!
PS: Social anxiety can feel overwhelming but it doesn’t have to be. Contact me today for some solutions! Also, check out my book, Live Inspired Now; A Field Guide For Happiness! Don’t wait for happiness… create it!
Heather Paris inspires people all over the world to create happier lives through talks, workshops, blog posts, and her book, Live Inspired Now; A Field Guide For Happiness. For more information about transforming your relationship, family, or your life, contact Heather today!
This is a topic that I find myself discussing a great deal with clients, especially females. It is important to keep the roles as adult partners with one another in a relationship, rather than falling into a parent/child scenario with your spouse.
Many years ago I learned that there are 3 people who could be present in any romantic relationship, and that understanding these roles was the best way to create change so that people could start to have more meaningful and loving relationships with one another. Here are the 3 roles and their functions:
PARENT: the person who assumes the role of taking care of the other spouse, helping them, doing things for them, and treating their spouse like a child. The parent enjoys the control but often becomes resentful of having to do everything and wishes for a more proactive partner. They may see their spouse as incapable, inept, or unmotivated. And yet, they wish they were more able to let go of things themselves. The parent often feels resentful, or of elevated importance, and most often “plays the martyr”.
CHILD: the person who takes on the role of being incapable of doing things, expecting the spouse to look out for them, and refusing to take responsibility for their own actions or behaviors. They want their needs met with little concern for meeting the needs of their spouse. They may see the spouse as controlling, over bearing, or smarter and better able to take care of the family. The child often feels attacked, or entitled, and most often “plays the victim”.
ADULT: the person in the relationship who sees all parties as valuable and works with the partner to make the family function well. They are strong and confident about what they know, yet are not afraid to admit when they need help or don’t know something. They like to work with their partner to meet each others needs, as well as the needs of the kids or family. They communicate effectively, without blame or shame, and they listen well to their partners. They admit faults or indiscretions, and work to make amends. They prioritize the family, and are accountable for their actions.
An adult partner is not typically successful in a relationship with someone playing the role of child or parent because it goes against the adults values to “enable the victim mentality of the child partner” or to succumb to the “martyrdom of a parent partner.”
Knowing is half the battle. No man wants to be married to his mother and spend his life with someone telling him what to do, what to eat, and how to think. At the same time, no woman wants to be married to her child and spend her life wishing he would help around the house, make a decision, or take responsibility for his actions. It’s exhausting living in a relationship that is out of alignment like that. If you are having challenges in your relationship, discuss these roles with your partner and see how you both might take steps to becoming “adult partners” and Live Inspired Now!
Heather Paris inspires people all over the world to create happier lives through talks, workshops, blog posts, and her book, Live Inspired Now; A Field Guide For Happiness. For more information about transforming your relationship, family, or your life, contact Heather today!
I read this quote today: “To give your sheep or cow a large, spacious meadow is the way to control him.” by Shunryu Suzukiand, and it got me thinking about freedom, and how we allow ourselves to become enslaved by mediocrity but we are tricked into thinking we are free.
If you give people just enough to think they are free, you will control them! Don’t fall into the trap! Don’t be a slave to mediocrity. Having 100 television channels and eating out at Applebees is not the “good life!” Buying expensive gadgets that you can’t afford is not the good life. Letting someone else pay you a meager stipend so you don’t have to work is not the good life. Distracting yourself with tabloid drama and gossip is not the good life.
The good life begins when you can feel good about yourself and your choices, and you take responsibility for both! The good life is when you don’t let the media trick you into buying things that you don’t need. It’s when you eat real, quality food, not mass produced garbage from a brightly colored, cookie cutter franchise. It’s when you get a job or start a business that you love, and you get paid for doing what you are passionate about. It’s when you are so involved in your own exciting life that you don’t have time to care about what fake Hollywood celebrities are naming their babies. It’s when your book collection is bigger than your television. It’s when you have a passion-filled, loving, relationship with someone you love and adore.
The government, the media, politicians, companies, and the like want to keep you fat, dumb, and mediocre. They profit if you buy their goods, vote for them, or stay imprisoned in the welfare system. Break free for real! Educate yourself, stop watching television, go outside, take a trip, discover someplace new, eat healthy foods, get a new job, start a business, write a book, volunteer, avoid the news, laugh, go on an adventure, be playful, try something new, improve your relationship, spend time with your family, and don’t settle for mediocrity! Take control of your own life!
Get out from under the thumb of the internet, the television, politicians, or anything else that trys to convince you what to buy, who to vote for, or what you should look like. Did you know that women in particular spend $426 billion dollars per year just on beauty products? We could eradicate hunger and poverty if women would stop letting the media convince them to look younger, thinner, and more beautiful. Don’t buy the lie. You already possess everything you need to live an inspired, fun filled, loving, and happy life!
Today, invest in YOU! Invest your time in a good book or a long walk, or some quality time with the people you love. Stop being a slave to everyone else that wants to control you, your money, or your emotions, and Live Inspired and Free Now!
Heather Paris inspires people all over the world to create happier lives through talks, workshops, blog posts, and her book, Live Inspired Now; A Field Guide For Happiness. For more information about transforming your relationship, family, or your life, contact Heather today!